10:01:56 PM EDT Edit Entry Delete Entry
I have yet to cry for my father. I am working now, as manager at Good WIll. And taking my meds on a regular basis. And my hands are starting to shake at the most inopportune time. Perhaps it is from hitting 40, I dont know, but it is a little disconcerting. And given that without inshurance, my monthly meds cost oh I dont know, about 1,000$ that is a LOT to shell out, but very much worth it. I was very lost wothout them. WML (write more later)

 

1:43:05 AM EDT
Feeling Surprised
Hearing Not Edit Entry Delete Entry

I found out 15 days ago that my Father passed away March 12th in the AM from Lukemia.  He went into the hospital on a Thursday, and died on a Saturday.  WHen he was buried in Arlington, he has a missing man flight flown for him, for he served in the Air Force and for NASA.  He was a true Renaissance Man.

I will Write more later on this, but It was a shick to learn about it.

12:58:31 AM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Bon Jovi Edit Entry Delete Entry

4-5-2005 His last hour alive in the back yard...I am unable to write about it as of yet, but I can say that he enjoyed the sun and grass.  I kept my promise Bubba, I kept my promise..The purple that you see is his body, wrapped and prepared for the afterlife, in Myrrh Frankincense and Sage. April 23, 2005 Ahhhh, memories, he growled when he passed, this above all things is haunting me.  I feel like I failed him.  I am still crying still mourning him.  I will keep you updated.  I can tell you this.  I miss him more that I miss my mother.  And I know this because this because I barley knew her.May 8th 2005 I still wake up with nightmares, and look at the foot of my bed expecting him to be there under his heat lamp.  Mike found a Urn in the shape of a cat, and bought a gold bracelet that had his name carved on the front and 2-14-1986 - 4-5-2005 on the back.  And I have a matching silver one on my wrist.  I still think of how he Growled when Vreena (our friend the Vet) came over and put him to sleep, it makes me cry to remember, he died growling.

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12:49:17 AM EDT
Feeling Worried Edit Entry Delete Entry

Monday April 4, 05

It is with nightmares, tears and pain that I report the following.  This Thursday Vreena (the Vet) will be coming over to end Chazs life.  His last bloodwork shows he has Cancer, on top of his kidneys failing.  I will take him into the Hurricane strewn backyard to smell the grass, bathe in sunlight and enjoy his last moments before I have him put down.

For the life of me I dont understand why the Lord and Lady have chosen for me to make this decision, why they did not take him peacefully in his sleep, but it seems that is to be the way it is to be.  And truth be known, I will probably find myself in a health care facility for the short care grieving.  Words cannot express what this is doing to me right now, knowing that I am his executioner, bringer of peace, reliever of pain, ender of his weariness, for he no longer eats, finds joy in nothing.  But if truth be known, he still purrs for me.  And selfish as these words are, that brings me some extent of happiness that will quell what I am sure will be a onslaught of nightmares.  I will keep you informed as he has just come back to the pillow on the corner of my bed.  Mike has told me not to take pictures of him these last days...but I have, and I will post them here.

12:47:15 AM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Dream Theater Edit Entry Delete Entry

I'm lucky.  I have a Vet that is a dear friend that will come to my house and put him down with him in my arms on MY BED.  I have a husband that has looked on the internet for a container for his ashes for my altar.  TRUST ME IM CRYING RIGHT NOW.  KNOW when it is time to let your friend (my familiar) go. I know and have thought a long time looking at him sleep on the corner of my bed, "What happens when he passes?  And when I meet my Lord and Lady? Will he be there?" I would like to think yes..simply because of this, because he was there for me when I cried in my life when things were bad, he was there for me when I was happy, and I am there for him now, when he needs me most.  And you cannot convince me that things like this that have such a impact in your live have such a insignificant meaning on both a spiritual and a emotional position.

Remember all of this, and be glad of one thing, that they loved you, and you loved them

12:45:35 AM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Queensryche Edit Entry Delete Entry Again, this Feline and I have been through it all and have lived throughout the state of Florida.  Hell, he even followed the band Queensryche with me (they ROCK by the way) with complete loyalty and snuck him into the hotel room.  The point of this all being is this.  NEVER EVER underestimate the following...a pet can be a part of you.  They are loyal, they understand you, they love you and are devoted to you.  And when there time comes, as Chazes time is now.  do what I am doing now.  Give them their medication, Take the IV fluids, and inject them, so his kidneys will function.  BUT A WARNING FOR THE HEART WHEN YOU WAKE YOURSELF AND LOOK AT THEM SLEEPING UNDER THE HEAT LAMP< JUST TO MAKE SURE THEY ARE STILL BREATHING......dont be selfish.  For this is the most difficult thing I am facing right now.  I pray to the Goddess and God that he passes to the afterlife in his sleep peacefully.....but a part of myself knows better........
 

12:43:49 AM EDT
Feeling Sad
Hearing Queensryche Edit Entry Delete Entry

April 2 2005

Well folks, this cat, that I love with all of my heart and soul, is DYING.  And I say it and type it with TEARS in my eyes.  He came to me under a car only 8 weeks old in Indian Harbor Beach Florida in The Pines apartments in Feb. of 1986 abandoned by his mother one day when it was only 32 degrees....YES it gets that cold here.  I went outside to get my smokes out of my car, and I heard meowing, and found him shivering under my car, and adopted him....with the perfect heart shaped pink nose.  Dont ask me why I named him chaz, I dont remember. 

Needless to say, my past was chaotic, and that is putting it VERY kindly.  He is the ONLY thing that stuck with me.  Through 3 abusive marriages.  One of which was through living in the Florida Keys (Big Pine) during Hurricane Andrew and before that living in a domestic abuse shelter, and a car, and even under a bridge.  Yes, Ive come a long long way.  I now have a stable life since 1996, notwithstanding being in a bad accident that left me in a wheelchair for a year and learning to re walk....ok ok ok u have me, luck and I have no relationship.